As many of you know, 2019 has been a very difficult journey for me. I walked away from 4 larps with a broken heart and found that it would take many months to find myself in a form of recovery.
Today I would like to announce to all of you, the people who support my art, that I am rebranding. This decision has taken years for me to develop a strategy for. It was not an easy choice to make. I believe this may cause some confusion and possible a loss of support. However this is something I’d like to do to reclaim my identity. Moving into 2020, I will no longer be using the brand name Larp Girl to publish my work. Instead I will simply be Kaza Marie.
The larpgirl.com website will still be active. I will publish larp related content there, as well as assist in uplifting the voices of other larpers who wish to have a space to publish their work. The name Larp Girl has served as a personal movement against a male dominated interest and I hope it will always stand to be a title that pushes boundaries and educates others on what the larp world can offer. As there are a few writers on the website publishing work, I hope their diverse content can be enjoyed by the world. I believe we need more opportunities and platforms for new creators. Larpgirl.com will always be a place for them.
I am grateful for my time served as Larp Girl. After 8 years of documenting many adventures I am happy with the work I produced. In the recent year, it has been harder for me to live up to what I believe goes into the name and I believe publishing as myself will give me a chance to carry on a new torch.
How I Got Here
One specific moment from this year I recall very vividly. I had just returned from Poland and I had the day off from work. I was so shocked/torn/disappointed/ill that I sat on my couch for 12 hours watching Disney movies in hopes of inspiring happiness within myself again. My friend Momo had shown me this coping mechanism and she was also going through a similar whirlwind over the same event. The backlash of that larp experience would continue to haunt me for the next month. I have to say this was one of many nails in my coffin. This nail just rung the loudest.
Having several communities tear into me broke my spirit. Though I had been the one to provoke these organizations to change their policies, I still have a hard time accepting the how those conversations backfired.
Sometimes its even hard for me to look at videos I’m currently editing because I ask myself, “what is this for? what am I sharing with people? I can’t guarantee everyone’s safety..” I can’t express how seriously I take being in a role where my voice is heard. I take my responsibility to the community that supports my art as a full time job. I never want to do anything or promote something that would hurt you. For example, my videos for Bicolline are still up and I get messages from new people asking for advice for attending. All I can do is warn them and hope they have a good time. I poured so much love into that content that it hurts to think about taking them down.. Though many days I feel like I should.
Some words from a friend that express my feelings: “What I love about larp is creation, sharing feelings, world building and adventure. Those things are presented in so many different ways. I still want to larp and design experiences, but feel so good that we don’t have to be larpers when it isn’t healthy for us.” – BBF WB
With that being said, I am not canceling my upcoming larp projects, nor am I quitting designing Hazy Fields. I am simply not signing up for any new larp experiences and planning some trips that will recharge my soul. I hope to share all of those experiences as I have shared all my others with you all.
Tomorrow I will be celebrating the Winter Solstice with my local friends. We are having a “Cookie Party”. We will take turns baking our favorite holiday cookies, swapping a few, bagging them to gift to loved ones and sharing our favorite Holiday movies. My go to would have been “Harry Potter”. Perhaps that isn’t the greatest choice this week. So now, I may just throw in “Bridget Jones” in the mix. I believe we are kicking off the celebration with “The Knight Before Christmas”. Other movies mentioned are Batman Returns and Die Hard.
However, the celebration of Yule/Winter Solstice carries a lot of meaning to me for this new transition in my life. Yule carries rebirth, quiet introspection, new year, hope, setting intentions, and celebration of light. During this time we are visited by the Crone as she becomes the mother again to birth a new light. Within Crone is a vessel of rebirth. Winter brings rest to the earth and reminds us of mortality. What is born dies and what dies is reborn. That we all return to the earth. This is the time for reflection.
I believe that starting the winter season with this change will allow me the time I need to recover from the name I am most known for. I hope to hide myself under winter’s snowy blanket, recharge my energies and rebalance myself for when spring comes again and all my artistic can be put forth under a new life.
When I look back at my life, hopefully as an old grayed crone, I want to know the work I did changed lives. I hope to reflect on my achievements and know that I gave it my best. For me, I want to remember myself as being a person who could guide others to finding themselves in the beauty of art and life. If I could have my life experience defined by one thing it would be that art has the ability to heal. It is important that my life’s work (whatever that may end up being) be recognized, not as a title from an interest of mine, but as myself. Breaking away from Larp Girl, gives me an opportunity to utilize new tools to honor my motivations.
With that, I hope you all will feel free to ask any questions you may have about this change. I’m an open book for you all. I appreciate all of your support and hope you will stick with me. If you cannot or do not wish to, I understand.
To me this feels really good.